remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
