I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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