mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
