So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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