dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
