I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
