a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
