So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
