I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
