I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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