Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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