Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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