worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i think i just lost a toe
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
