Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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