you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
