My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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