R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
