Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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