So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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