fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
