i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
