Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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