hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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