she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
