I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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