Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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