Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Rumble strips road head = magical
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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