May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
