Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
