I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
