so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
