who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
