she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
