I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
