I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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