I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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