its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
