Your mouth is God's brothel.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She needs sedatives and a leash
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
