Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
