hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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