just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
