I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
