Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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