smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
smell my finger.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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