Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
