I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
