Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
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