I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize