How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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