I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My feet surprised me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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