dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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