i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
