I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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