we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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