she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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