Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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