I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
