John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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